Looking Back & Moving Forward-V.1

The title says it all. Lately I have been looking back, into the past, at various events that have affected me. The past definitely shapes the present, and helps to mold the future.

This year marks the 10th year since I had my first symptom of Multiple Sclerosis. 10 years of uncertainty, confusion, many highs and lows, new found strength, perseverance, courage, frustration, helplessness, acceptance, and knowledge. What has bothered me the most, is that MS is completely unpredictable, and is different for everyone. Personally, I like to know what is going on at all times. MS has affected my health, some times more than others, and it has stolen one main thing from me. Stability. I crave it on a day to day basis, and there are times where it hits me like a hurricane. It disrupts everything. It has also taught me to value life alot more, as I have seen first hand what MS can do. I have seen what it has done to others. I feel their pain and their fears, even though I don't experience some of what they do. MS affects each individual differently. Different levels of pain, fatigue, sleep problems, depression/anxiety disorders, mobility issues, bladder/bowel problems, paralysis, and in some cases, death. It affects not only the individual with MS, but all of those around them. It instills fear and confusion in others. There are many possible causes for the disease, none have truly been confirmed--but some are definitely sounding possible!

I remember being told that I have a disease. That was the first term used. The second was the "2 words". Multiple Sclerosis. I had done the research, had a gut feeling that MS was what they would tell me. I just kept denying it. I mean, my first symptoms were on my 17th birthday. I got the diagnosis a year later. It was a blow, physically, mentally, and emotionally. I was beyond scared, I was petrified. And confused, shocked, and then started to deny it. I tried to reason with myself and others, thinking that it was wrong. And having to tell my family was the worst thing. I instantly felt like a future uncertain burden. I still feel that way at times, even now, though everyone assures me that I am not. I almost went into a form of mourning, as it truly felt like a part of me had died by hearing those two words.

The relapses continued throughout the years. I went for numerous tests, MRI's, doctor's appointments. Took pills, tried injections. Explained to family, friends, and other aquaintances about MS. People were understanding and supportive, but unsure and confused. If I didn't have my parents around through all of this, I don't know where I would be. They didn't feel sorry for me or throw regular "pity parties". They were loving, supportive, and caring. I remember so many nights curling up in bed with my mom, when the pain and tingling was unbearable. Or sleeping on the couch in the living room, just to be close to them, to be near the comfort. I remember getting excited about having good days. Where the pain was minimal or non-existent. When I wasn't tired or moody. My moods flucuated alot, mostly from pain, lack of sleep and frustration. I would relapse when stressed, when getting sick with something, or when tired. I could usually predict a relapse.

As I look back on these 10 years, I look deep inside myself. I still ask "why" everyday. Why me? Why MS? But I also remember how this has shaped me as a person. It has developed my character, strengthened me, increased my passion for life, raised my faith level, and helped to take time to appreciate the small things in life. Now, my injections cut down the relapses. I still get tired as anything, but it's nothing like it was. My lesions seem to be reducing in intensity, and are not multiplying. And I remain positive, that one day, possible causes could become definite, and preventative measures may even come about.

Having and facing an incurable disease can make or break a person. It has made me more determined and stubborn. I enjoy life alot more, I take better care of my health now, and have more respect for others. And, I haven't done this alone. If it wasn't for my parents, family, friends, Andy and family, and Liam, I wouldn't be as positive, that's for sure.

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It has been 3 years since my grandpa passed away. I miss him more and more everyday, and I truly wish that he would have gotten a chance to meet Liam. He adored kids, and was amazing with them. Gentle, patient and kind--those are only a few out of the many words to describe him. He became my best friend when I was younger. He would spend hours drawing or reading with me, both passions of ours. He had the cutest little mannerisms and quirks, and I miss them all. Gingersnaps and black coffee. The smell of sawdust and Polo cologne. The times when he would grow a beard, just because he wanted to. The fact that he would do anything for anyone, and not want anything in return. Breakfasts at the malls, lunch at McDonalds. He loved his fries. And I don't think I have ever really gotten over him being gone from my life. He was a part of it for so long, and there was so much more that I wanted to share with him. He was such a loving grandfather, father, husband, brother and friend. He was everything. I remember when I was young, he would hold my hand or offer a hug whenever I needed him. Near the end of his life, I remember holding his hand, thinking our roles were reversed. He needed me there, to let him go, to give him peace, but also to comfort and love him. When I read the euology at his service, it gave me peace. I know he was watching and he was proud, like he always was of me. I love him and miss him so incredibly much, more so it seems, everyday.

We lost his brother shortly after. Another blow. They lived next door to each other, and would always sit on their front steps together, watching the world go by. They never said much, but their visits spoke volumes. It hits me the hardest going to Grandma's, seeing both sets of front steps empty, seeing his favorite recliner empty. Expecting to see him sitting at the kitchen table, by the window, working on crosswords or eating crackers. Seeing the basement empty, stripped of everything. I wish I could see him one last time, to tell him how much he is loved, cared about and appreciated. To give him one last hug and smile. To hold his hand and to never let go...To not let him leave us when he did, to give us more time...

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The past definitely shapes our present and future. Memories have been made, enjoyed and cherised. Smiles have been had, tears have been shed. My face right now is proof of that. Writing this has torn me apart and brought me down, but also has given me comfort and solace. I know that everything is still okay. And I shall move forward again...until next time I look back...

Week In Review

It's been a week since I have blogged last, so I figured it was about time. Have updated my foodie blog with more fabulous food finds, so please check it out. Yum-o!

I took Liam to the zoo on Tuesday morning, when we had a bit of mild weather. We had a blast together, and he loves it more each time we go. He especially loves the monkeys and hippos. They also were letting the tortoises out on the pathways in the rainforest, which he definitely loved. They are doing alot of construction at the zoo, mostly on the conservatory and the flamingo building. Can't wait to see what they will look like when they are done. The ray tank is open again to the public as well, with alot of cameras around and staff, and visitors are not allowed to touch the rays. Hopefully it works out better for the zoo this time.

Wednesday took Liam and I to the doctor. Not fun. To sum it up, Liam had a rash that was spreading, I took him to the doctor, which he hates, she came near him, he got worked up until he was a pretty shade of purple, then threw up everywhere, while the doctor was telling me to get him to the sink. Right... 'cause my child knows to puke in a sink. Good on ya doc. Have been putting on lots of cream lately, and it seems to be easing a bit.

Thursday we stayed in, as it was horribly cold out. Missed playgroup, which bugs me, but I didn't want us to freeze our tushies off.

Friday was dad's birthday--positive. Negative, we took Liam to his pediatrician appointment. We went downtown early and wandered around, window shopping, which was fine. There are alot of changes going on downtown, not for the better, but that's just my opinion. Went to the doctor's office, checked in, still okay. They have a giant castle shaped play area, so Liam was happy. The doc was running late, so Liam spent most of the 45 minutes we were waiting, wandering the hall ways, toddling along, flirting with the ladies, and just-a movin'! Too adorable. When we finally got called in, they got him to stand on a scale--"Please Ms. Receptionist, Liam is 16 months and hates doctors, and you want him to stand on a wobbly scale, and then hold still?" I had to laugh. Nonetheless, we got him weighed, with clothes on, and he registered in at an adorable 35.6 pounds. My goodness. Fast forward to the doctor. Amazing and very nice doctor, a pleasure for Andy and I to deal with. He took Liam's history, we addressed our concerns about his eating and his strange sensitivity to anything touching his hands (he plays in puke though--seriously). Then the doc grabbed his scope, to look at Liam's mouth and do a quick exam, and Liam started to shake. Then he went stiff. He sobbed. The doc got closer, he balled. Doc got even closer, and the poor little man was hysterical, with tears pouring down his face. I could feel his stomach rejecting his milk, the doc backed off and out it came. I waited until he was done, tidied up as best I could, and thenchanged his clothes, and finished our visit. So, apparently, lesson learned, it's the doc's tools, not the doc him/her - self. He is being sent for an upper GI series--sure to invoke a series of vomit sessions, no doubt, then to a nutrition group at Children's Hospital, to give support with his eating. Otherwise he is healthy, and the doc just says, he will outgrow it, it is common, and that he has a sensitive gag reflex and tummy. Mommy feels better, and that her child is just a wee bit slow with his eating... sigh...

Went to visit my dad in the afternoon to bring him his birthday pressies, and to bring them dinner. I made them chicken pot pie to heat up in the oven, and they loved it... I will definitely get the recipe up on the other site soon. Liam was wiped out, as he had only napped for about 1/2 an hour after the doc, so he dozed on and off through the evening.

And the big news!!!!! Yesterday, we went van shopping. Yep, Manders, I beat ya to it. I'm younger than you, and I caved. We realized we were outgrowing our little car, so a van was definitely in order, especially for road trips. We are now the proud owners of a 2008 Dodge Grand Caravan SE, stow and go, fully loaded, rear back-up camera, 2 dvd screens, power everything--even windows on the sliding doors. It's black, it's shiny, and it was a demo model, so there is only 16,000km on it. I love it, and I know Liam will love it. It also has wireless headphones too for the rear seat, and he can watch his wonder pets, and visit with daddy on the road. Definitely a huge decision, couldn't have done it without the organization and support of Mr. H! Thank you sooo much for everything-I will see you Wednesday!

Today was a lazy Sunday. Did endless amounts of laundry, am still ignoring the dishes, Andy got the fish tank all cleaned up, I sorted stuff in my room, remade our beds, and puttered. Picked up a few groceries, went to Grandma's, as it was her birthday, and gave her birthday pressies. Played with Liam, trying to keep him up as long as he could--he barely napped today, so we didn't want him going down too early. He went to bed at 8, has been up twice, but nothing major.

Going mall walking with Dad and Liam tomorrow, and need to get to the pet store. I have to find some drops for our tank, as one of our fish is looking kinda icky... he's okay, just kinda white haze on some of his scales. And Andy goes back to work tomorrow night, so I'll see how Liam is after supper, and maybe we'll try to go out somewhere.

Should run, my eyes are twitching, and my fingers aren't cooperating anymore. And Manders, coffee on Tuesday sounds really good. Will do the tagged thing on the next blog for sure. Too cool. Until next time, Cheers!

Catching up...

Liam playing with the toilet paper--it was stuck to his foot when he came out--priceless!
Am trying to get back on the blogging band wagon, so have done a ton of updates on my other foodie blog so be sure to check it out. I blogged for 3 weeks worth of Sunday Suppers, so there is lots to feast on now...

Liam has still been teething off and on, but is finally sleeping better, which definitely helps. He is off to the pediatrician on Friday, so hopefully we will figure out what to do with solids and nutrition. He has definitely been keeping me busy though, and is walking more and more. Has discovered that toilet paper is fun to unroll, and is going through a little seperation anxiety. As long as I don't leave, he is okay.

Haven't been up to much lately, been doing lots of cleaning and organizing around here, getting caught up on laundry, and have even been reading. Okay, granted, alot of it has been searching through my low-fat cookbooks, but I have been reading "Shoot The Moon" by the incredible Billie Letts. The book is fantastic so far, and she has a new one coming out in a few months. Make sure you all check it out, her books are definitely worth a read!

Managed to be a klutz last night, and fall down the stairs. My foot apparently wanted to go farther than the step, and I kept going with it. Managed to stop myself by hooking my upper arm on the handrail and putting my other arm into the wall. Needless to say, both arms are bruised, and my knee and upper thigh are pretty sore, but it could have been worse. If I hadn't caught myself, I would have gone head first into the shoe rack and the door.

Am going to call our weight loss clinic to book an appointment for weigh-in. We definitely need to get back on track, and get the motivation going again! And Andy has a performance review this week. I know he'll ace it, he's a great employee, and it's been far too long since he had the last one. A raise would be good too...

Need to figure out what to make for dinner tomorrow night. Took out hamburger, so that's a start. We shall see what I can figure out. Might spend the day at home tomorrow with Liam, zone out on Wonder Pets and spin some bowls...

Should run though. It's close to 1am, and sleep should be an option... Cheers!

Simple Joys

I seem to be stuck on the theory of simplicity lately. I have wholeheartedly decided to make this the year to slow down and enjoy the simple things in life. Sound simple? Yes, I know, lame joke. But it's not. I am personally geared to planning, replanning, and always knowing what is going on. I even call myself anal, I know it's true, trust me. I usually love to be on the go, but lately, I've been enjoying time at home with Liam. The cold weather may have played a part in it, yes, but I am also discovering something. I do not need to be on the go all the time. Home is where the heart is, and the comfort. It is where I can thrive on the simple things. I can do things at a leisurely pace. Accomplish everything on my to-do list, or watch Wonderpets with Liam on the floor until I can recite every episode--am getting there already though.

It is amazing what can be taken for granted. I think that is why I am craving simplicity. Liam has been teething so badly lately, so it has made things around here a little stressful. But I enjoy every minute that I spend with him. Parents are usually the teachers to their children, but that sweet little boy has taught me so many lessons lately. I am constantly learning and growing with him, making me a better person and parent more and more every day.

He has taught me that sleep can be lost, vomit is the new vogue look, and diaper rash cream is an excellent winter moisturizer. I see more of myself in him all time--he does things on his own terms, he likes things to go certain ways and he is stubborn and determined. It is truly amazing how much love can be given to this little person, no matter how trying it can be. Apparently it was his "party time" at midnight last night, and Andy and I were both invited. I couldn't help but laugh. We were all so exhausted, and we had a crazy case of the giggles.

On the serious side though, he has taught me to not take things so seriously. The dishes can wait for awhile. Life will go on. My heart swells when he holds my finger when I am rocking with him or when he was cuddled in bed with me last night. And when he smiles and lights up when I come back from running errands or even downstairs. It is an incredible feeling to be needed that much by one amazing little man. So puke, poop or lack of sleep aside--I wouldn't change it for the world. He keeps me going, makes my heart soar, and is everything in my world.

Had my nice hot bubble bath tonight, finished reading Tuesdays With Morrie - that book is so amazing--everyone should read it. It will definitely encourage and instill the value of simplicity in your life. Definitely motivational and moving. Am curled up on the couch with Andy, watching Diners, Drive In's and Dives - Friday night classic shows and loving it. Made a yummy and healthy Chicken Pot Pie for dinner. There are 2 versions of the recipe, will try the 2nd and post both on my foodie site.

Tomorrow we're going to Toys R' Us to exchange a toy that he already has, then my parents are coming over tomorrow night to pick up all of the Christmas stuff that we got packed away. Might try to get to the chinese market tomorrow or Sunday to pick up a few ingredients for Sunday night supper--am bringing back Sunday night suppers--details will be on the foodie site. Let me know what you think.

Need to get some more photos developed too, as I want to re-do our frames and work on some scrapbooking. Will try to get that done next week hopefully. Should run. Gotta get back to the show. Cheers!

Guilty Pleasures

January is the time for resolutions. I made mine already, but will always still have my own guilty pleasures. I have written about the food related ones on my foodie blog site. Other guilty pleasures, which I will sadly reveal, are not food related, but simple. I have realized that I crave simplicity, especially when life seems so fast paced and hectic. So here goes. My guilty pleasures.

• Old TV Shows. I love the Beverly Hillbillies, Mary Tyler Moore, Bewitched. Some of the not so old, but good ones are Roseanne, Full House, Home Improvement, Family Matters, and Fresh Prince Of BelAir. I know the theme songs are running through your heads right now... c'mon, admit it! There's no shame in it!
• Bubble Baths. Peace, quiet, and tranquil. It is my vice and the best way for me to relax. Especially with Lush products. Bubble bars that smell like candy? I'm there... So sweet!
• Reading cookbooks. May seem silly, but I am obsessed with cooking, so it gives me focus.
• Blogging. Keeps my thoughts out in the open.
• Reading flyers. Seems silly again, but I get excited when the flyers come. Just ask Andy.
  

I'm sure there are more that I'm not thinking of right now. But Home Improvement is on, I read my flyers, and I'm off to scour cookbooks for some new recipes to revamp. Keep an eye on my foodie blog for new postings and recipes soon! Cheers! And leave comments people--yep, still anal!

Resolutions, Reviews, and Randomness

I have been wanting to sit down and stare at a blank blog entry for days now. I wanted to write about my resolutions, my year in review, and just general randomness. The past few days have been hectic, at best, with Liam still teething. Update: he has cut four teeth on the bottom (2 molars and 2 canines), and seems alot happier. He didn't throw up tonight, so things are definitely better.

Here goes...this will be long, may jump around, and may sometimes not make any sense to anyone, except myself. This was my year and what it did for me.

2008. A year of joy, adventure, learning, strength, fear and challenge. I faced all of them head on. I learned more about myself this year than my whole life. I learned that having a shoulder to cry on is a blessing. Having the strength to hold back the tears while on that shoulder is near impossible, but I can now achieve it. Being needed by a child has given me a new sense of purpose. Being needed and depended on by a family member, who is usually the person I turn to for strength, has given me positive reinforcement in the power of family.

The man who I look up to, who I learned so many lessons from, the one who has looked out for me, and the one who, no matter what, will never give up on me, taught me the main lesson this year. Strength. My father gave me strength throughout my life, and was my rock. When he had his accident this summer, I was numb. As a daughter, and an only child, your parents are everything to you. My father built my foundation and when he was in the hospital recovering, my foundation crumbled. I, for some reason, had believed he was invincible. He was a strong, stubborn, outgoing person, who was always on the move. He worked so incredibly hard, at everything he did. Then, in a moment, he was reduced to an immobilized, disabled, frustrated man. The person who had shown such strength seemed to disappear for that moment. I remember seeing him and thinking he looked so small and fragile. I am not going to dwell on the details. He rose above, fought through all his pain, and came out on top. He taught me to always keep going. To be positive. And to look ahead, but to take one day at a time. It made my life more real, it instilled fear into me. It taught me that life is a series of moments, and to make the most of each moment, as it only takes one to change your life. The experience also encouraged me to have some form of faith in a higher power, that someone was looking out for my dad that day, making sure that we didn't lose one of the most amazing, genuine and honest men around. Out of this comes a resolution--make every moment count!

I was broken down a few times this year. There is a court case going on currently. I will not give many details, as it is still going on, but the stress of it is incredibly tough. Thanks to amazingly caring family, extended family (you know who you are-D & G), Andy, and friends, the stress has been minimal. I have been able to tackle obstacles head on and not look back this year.

We had some fun adventures this year. Zoo trips, swimming, various parks, playgrounds, playdates. For 2009, I want to have many more adventures. We are planning to do a trip to Edmonton in the spring, spend a couple of nights, hit the mall and the zoo. Liam turned 1, and had 3 parties, with some amazing guests at each. Having him has definitely changed my life. He has slowed me down, yet sped me up. Taught me to take life one day at a time. Has taught me that it is possible to love someone so incredibly much, that it hurts. Most of all, he has taught me that there is nothing better than being a mom. I get it now, Mom, I truly do. Thank you for everything you have done for me, past, present, and future. You are an amazing person, who I lean on daily for strength and support.

Andy has been my rock this year. I have depended on him so very much, and he is always there through the thick and thin. Things may not have been easy this year, but he was always there to be my everything. He has proved that love is much more that 2 people being together. It is understanding, genuine, never judging, and undying. It has given me a restored faith that incredible people do exist. Ones that will go out of there way and give up so much for a person. He is everything. I definitely see why they are called "better half". He completes the parts of me that are lacking, or in need of repair. He sees beyond my exterior, and knows me better than I know myself. He keeps my spirits up, my head held high, keeps my heart soaring and my soul content. It is always an adventure with him--we have fun wherever we go, whatever we are doing.

My MS has been alot better. Barely any flare ups, as I have been doing injections weekly. We will definitely be going back to the weight loss clinic soon, as I want to get back on track, and keep getting healthy.

I have had to dig deep within myself this year, deeper than other years, to maintain focus, strength, and composure. I have shed alot of tears this year, whether they be through happiness, fear, sadness, or anger. I have learned to express my feelings and even embrace them, if the situation permits it. For 2009, I crave simplicity in a complex world. I want Liam to keep discovering his world and keep healthy. I want to have as many adventures as possible and experience new things. I want to give back as much as possible. I want to surround myself with family more often, even re-invent Sunday suppers, if possible. I want to laugh more and cry less. I want to get more organized, as I know the anal side of me needs to be. I want to cook more. I want to write more. I want to spend time catching up things I miss doing--scrapbooking, reading, photography. Most of all, I want to make the moments into memories. I want to do more with less.

Now the fun, not so serious side. In 2009, I want to try yoga. I want to eat Turducken--just google it, if you don't know what it is. I need to get to a football game. I know there is more, but my brain is starting to fog. Oh! I want to take Andy to Angel's Drive In--yum-o!

I want this year to be memorable. Liam will be 2 this year, I will be 27. I want this year to be full of smiles and giggles, memories and milestones. I want to sit here next year, and not shed any tears while writing about my year. I want to be able to smile when I remember my 2009.